Kirkaturk Reviews TNG: The Mind's Eye (4x24) (2/2)

The crew brings back one of the Federation phasers that were employed by the Klingon rebels to test its authenticity. Seems like a pretty good idea, you want to make sure these guns aren't just forgeries, right?

Geordi LaForge, chief engineer of the Federation flagship and Data, lieutenant commander with an IQ of, like, a hojillion, are obviously the resident weapons experts and therefore the best choice to dick around with a space gun. The Hardy Boys shit out a bunch of technobabble about phase variances and efficiency ratings, and eventually realize that the weapon was built by the Romulans. Totally out of left field!

They present their claims to the skeptical Klingon governor and Geordi creepily leers at everyone. Picard seems to be in this scene, and every other in this particular episode, because they didn't have anything else for him to do and it would seem strange if he just spent the episode jerking off in his office. My favorite instance of this is during the climax of this episode where he just drones on in the background while the plot races to its conclusion.

Oh also there's a minor plot thread about some E-band transmissions or something, obviously commands being sent to Geordi's VISOR. Data can't seem to figure out where they're coming from and presents a possible fix. Riker, feeling like he hasn't really done anything over the past few days, aggressively tells data to "Do it." and then thumps off to go shove his sexual predator hands down some shirts in Ten Forward.

We now finally get to see the results of the mental conditioning the Romulans forced Geordi through as he shoves a bunch of Bic lighters into a hockey card tray. Apparently that's how you delete computer logs. Then he transports some phasers down to the Klingon colony to further disrupt relations between the Empire and the Federation, and then strolls up to the bridge as if nothing happened. The Klingon governor is pissed, and the vagina on his forehead is just throbbing when he calls up the Enterprise on his electric picture phone. A few Klingon ships show up and menacingly sit in a row. Tension!

The bridge crew figures out that someone did, in fact, transport some shit from the Enterprise and attempts to track it. They finally get some use out of that big ass display of the Enterprise layout in engineering by showing the power distribution across the ship. If you look closely, you can spot the only toilet on the ship. Blind Sherlock and White Sherlock race down to Cargo Bay 4 to run a level motherfuckin' 1 diagnostic on some computer panels and see who perpetrated this nefarious crime. Turns out hiding a transport is some pretty hard shit and only four people know how to do it. Everyone capable lays down a pretty solid alibi except Geordi, but he's not questioned further because Worf is fucking stupid along with everyone else involved in that conversation. Geordi and Data poke their noses back into the isolinear chip closet and murmur about how they're gonna get out of this pickle!

Wait, hold up a second.

You've got like fifty gold shirts in Cargo Bay 4 climbing over everything and stumbling around like toddlers, waving around little magic wands and hootin' about a bunch of chips getting fucked with. I realize this show isn't exactly CSI but it's called motherfucking finger prints, you assholes. And what the hell kind of ship is this that it doesn't have video camera logs that can be deleted ONLY by command staff? Go fuck yourself, Enterprise. You were designed by morons, for morons and this is exemplified by your lack of a decent pub that isn't full people wearing dinner plates on their heads as hats.

Anyway, guys can't figure shit out cause they suck and the situation worsens. Then we're treated to the plot twist:

Geordi shows up at Ambassador Kell's quarters where Kell commands him to assassinate the Klingon Governor when he comes to visit the ship in a short while. Kell is working for the Romulans! Crazy, I pegged him as a guy that would be staunchly against enormous shoulder pads. Geordi understands, leaves, and Kell settles into his delicious looking meal of spiders and the grease generated by two hogs fucking or whatever it is that Klingons eat. I loved whenever the Star Trek writers tried to throw down a little more flavor about Klingon culture because it seemed like they just prefixed 'Blood' to a word and called it a day. Wanna get drunk with some Klingons? Order up some bloodwine. Want to relax with some Klingons? Head to the holodeck and shout "Computer, Blood Tennis. Four players. Final Destination.".

Next up, Geordi is in bed, looking all frail and curled up like some sort of fetal leaf. He calls up Chief O'Brien upon waking up and then realizes he can't quite enunciate the deep, throbbing attraction he has for the man. It seems the Romulans loaded him down with more than just Assassinry 101...

Geordi heads to sickbay and Crusher runs her little flashlight over him and then tells him to chew some valerian root and get some rest. Go fuck yourself, Beverly. I realize that doctors in the 21st Century can only prescribe some aspirin and rest when they don't know what the hell is wrong with someone, but I'd like to think that in the 24th century the medicine of insomnia has progressed a bit little beyond "Deal with it you whiny piece of shit.". Beverly: Your mincing son can model a fucking brain becoming addicted to a shitty ultimate frisbee game inside of the computer, and you can't figure out why this guy is broken? You are a bad doctor and you should feel bad about your shortcomings. I guess she didn't have Ashley Judd to help out but that's still pretty weak, Crusher.

The Klingon governor shows up and they head over to Cargo Bay 4. Meanwhile, Data tells Riker that the E-Band emissions are coming from onboard the shiiiiip. Data adorably doesn't put all of the ongoing current events together and has to have Commander Beard put two and two together for him. Data realizes the emissions are brain wave patterns that could be picked up by Geordi's VISOR and, of course, heads to see Geordi in order to confr- wait, no, he goes to the shuttle bay and starts tearing apart the shuttle Geordi used to go to Risa. Stupid, but I guess it was necessary to cause some tension in the next scene: We see Geordi menacingly walking to Cargo Bay 4 through a fisheye lens (The official lens of insanity), ready to pop a cap into the Klingon governor.

But he's interrupted by Chief O'Brien, that lovable Irish scamp! This buys Data the agonizingly long time he needs to figure out that yes, god damnit, you need to call up security and have them lock up Geordi. Oh wait, that's not what he does - he tries calling up Geordi for like five fucking minutes. Geordi doesn't respond! Oh shit! Data then gets Worf, who tries to stop Geordi. All this time Geordi has been slowly shuffling his feet toward the governor like the expert assassins of Geriatrica II, preparing to strike. At the last moment, Picard swoops in and stops the phaser blast. Suspicion is cast upon Ambassador Kell and, like a Scooby Doo villain, he's seized by a couple Klingon cops and goes "Wuh Woh!" while looking at the camera.

Picard delivers an awesome line at this point and basically condemns Ambassador Kell to be tortured for the rest of his life. Stone cold, Picard. Stone cold.

Finally, Counsellor "Tube Top" Troi sits down with Geordi and tries to help him reconstruct his memories of being abducted and reconditioned. They make a little progress and Geordi cries a little bit under his VISOR because it strikes him that his little nerd dick did not, in fact, get sucked.

In the end, Geordi has to deal with this terrible burden of not being able to trust his own memories and the Enterprise cruises on through space. Geordi, a command officer aboard the flagship, can no longer be trusted and is taken off active duty, transferred to Starbase 364, and undergoes intensive therapy. His future career in Starfleet is left in doubt.

Haha, just kidding. Two weeks later he's still in charge of engineering and has access to all sorts of sensitive information. Starfleet is the fucking worst and this episode is a 7.65/10.

Final Verdict: Pretty Good, I Guess, If You're Into That Sort Of Thing, You Know, Science Fiction.